Nightmares and Negativity

So Its 5.29am precisely as I start writing this, I've been awake for 2 hours if not longer because I was abruptly awoken out of my sleep, heart racing, disorientated, the lot!! So yeah I just experienced a nightmare, some reason lately since I've been back to London, there's been an increase in frequency of nightmares, before these episodes I can gladly say I don't remember the last time I had such graphic fear driven nightmares (I don't even remember when I had one full stop) I really wish I knew what the cause is to these nightmares, because in all honesty, I'm finding it hard to deal with them. I'm constantly having restless nights too.

Anyways as you do, once you're awake first instinct is to check your phone and do a little surfing online. I come online to facebook to be met with a status from a so-called friend bashing me about 2 hours earlier (whilst i was long asleep). Now this wouldn't of bothered me so much if it wasn't for these various reasons:

1. I've known her since about 12 years old.
2. She was coming across 'holier than thou' as if somehow writing a status about something so trivial I had written, would  make it look like she's standing up for some sort of cruel injustice.
3. The fact she posted a facebook status about me full stop. (I'm not some girl you just happen to have befriended on fb through some weird twist of fate)
4. The fact this status then entails others to comment in agreeance on how I'm this monster, I've been wrongfully made out to be (isn't that some weird fucked up way of bullying?)

Now the old me would have gone in guns blazing, 10,000 statuses of cursing, sarcasm and retaliation. But I again realised that would just wind me up more, get me nowhere and probably start world war 3!

So I decided to be the better person, I sent her a message, this to be precise:

"I would appreciate it if you don't write a status making a dig about the way i worded something i posted, using the words "real" and "man" in the same sentence is justified when referring to pictures that are pieced together of different people, or do you think someone with Gerard Butlers face, Justin Bieber's hair, Ronaldo's legs is a real human being? That stuff you were talking about only has any meaning when you aren't posting about it on a status bashing someone else, that alone defeats the purpose of your status. Im disappointed that I've known you a very long time that you would resort to something so childish. Hence why i deleted you. No doubt you will write a status about this too. Remember just how negative you come across when you post statuses about people who you call "friends" and how that makes you look. You can tell yourself that you are standing up for your beliefs but posting a status about it is hardly admiral, lets be honest. The admiral thing to have done is to have messaged me about it if you had an issue with it, which you shouldn't because if you knew me at all, which i thought you did, you know I'm not that judgmental person, you just painted a bad image of on your status. Im Sorry but I've had enough witnessing all the negativity you post about others. I hope you realise that posting on fb is how you start conflicts rather than solving anything. I wish you all the best."

Now I'm not pretending that I wasn't p*ssed off to the complete maximum (the sheer audacity) but at least (well i hope) I tried to come across as positively as one can do when they are fuming. Plus being someone I've known a while I think she needs to see from another perspective, what she is constantly doing to people she calls her friends. Plus I have every right to defend myself!

Whats amazing is after writing that, I feel at peace. So yeah, positivity does goes a long way! You can get angry its just how you express that anger, it will either make you or break you.

Peace x

Cherry's back from the dead!

My bad...

So yeah I went AWOL for over a year to be precise (oops..), sorry about that guys, my heads been a mess. I had graduated from uni, I put on loads of weight, I was in a dark place for a very long time, my long term relationship had ended after 6 years and I had no idea what to do with my life or what I wanted to do with my degree.

Then this miracle happened, I won a competition abroad to train in Thailand and work as as a qualified TEFL teacher, there's more on that if you check out my travel blog here.

Cue the violins...

Anyway, the real reason why I'm here is to have a bit of a bitch and moan and just to update you lot on my life, obviously a lot has happened over a year so, I'm going to try my best to compact this down as much as possible.

This is mainly going to focus on why I'm blogging again and that is because I have put a SHIT ton of weight over the past year and this is not me being a girl about it and moaning because I put on a couple of kilos. I'm talking from a UK size 12 to a UK size 18!!! I was fully aware after dissertation I was packing the pounds on, but in all honesty I had no time to eat at home, sleep a lot or leave my seat in the university library. I was really depressed and had started locking myself in my room at weekends and drinking everyday to cope (this was for various reasons, mainly because I was back on the dating scene and every bloke I thought was decent turned out to stamp on my heart on top of the stress of dissertation deadlines). I had come across one guy who was so manipulative and controlling, me being so vulnerable at the time, lets just say he really milked that situation.

Anyways back then I must have been a 14 approaching a 16. Then I won this competition thinking not to worry it will sort itself out go to Asia, eat asian food, lose weight :D During TEFL training yes I genuinely think I dropped a few pounds but it all started to pile on again when It ended :( I left England already at an overweight 89KG (which already had been the heaviest I had ever weighed), I returned back to London weighing a good 95KG.

Coming home...

Well I came back to London after experiencing more ups and downs than a yo yo in Thailand and I knew I had put on some weight but the realisation didn't hit me until I tried to put on clothes I missed wearing... It quickly dawned on me how much weight I had put on. The good news is, I was determined before getting back to London to lose this body fat I had gained. 

Pushing to the limits...

I got straight back on the clean eating and 5 day High Intensity Interval Training and at first it was fucking hard! I'm no going to lie, being pumped full of oil, refined sugars and processed food for 4 months and then going cold turkey is pretty hardcore!! It was a fucking struggle, I had mood swings because I missed certain foods, I would still give in to cravings, I hated myself in all honesty, I had left myself get that big and that weak and not even realise.

The silver lining....

So finally we get to the good part, that was 8 weeks ago now I started the process, I still go through the struggles of cravings now and again, but I have progressed!! I'm stronger, I've lost girth all over my body. Now i'm not saying that I am satisfied, I am far from it! But I am still so determined and seeing notiecable progress in reps etc. feels fucking amazing. I can gladly say I have dropped one dress size already, so I'm now back to square one where I started my fitness journey 3 years ago!! But I also forgot the uzz i get from working out and reaching a goal and seeing changes in my body.

Which leads me onto...

The Epiphany...

During this journey so far, I've noticed a change in myself I decided along with the food that doesn't belong in my diet, nor does negative behaviours. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but the changes in my mood and thinking has changed also, I'm a lot happier, I'm more comfortable with myself, I find joy in seeing others happy. Sometimes I do get hit with the emotional stick (beaten with it more like) but we all have ups and downs and how you deal and recover from it is important. I literally had an epiphany, just when I thought I couldn't be anymore positive, I was hit with this thought that totally blew my mind, when I say a thought I mean like a feeling but with more purpose. (I probably sound like i'm talking c***) It's just very hard to explain. It happened and I am astounded things could get this good.

Until the next one...

To end this ramble, these blog posts will be more of a regular thing now... I want to jot down my fitness journey and anything else that is blog worthy in all honesty!!! 

Be prepared for more positivity coming your way.

Peace! x