Sunday, 29 May 2016

The burden is on you now...

So how does one start a rant about an old flame. You could say he was my first love, but our relationship was anything but filled with love, you will soon get to realise I never truly loved him and from how he treated me you will soon clearly see why he never did.

I guess you need a back story to fully understand why I feel the way I do about this guy, I have come across a few guys that weren't pleasant in my time and he's up there with them.

I was young and naive he was the first serious thing I had. It started all innocent and cute as one does at 17 years old filled with hormones and dreams of the perfect boyfriend. We actually went to the same school when we were kids yada yada yada, *yawn*. This is all really irrelevant in all honesty, the first year was the honeymoon period I guess. So lets fast forward past that and the short period when I moved to uni we broke up got back together blah blah blah.

So things were good for a while I can't exactly pin point when things started to turn to shit but I guess it started around the halfway point in 2nd year going towards 3rd year. Shit got rocky I moved back home we saw each other less and less with his job. We argued a lot, I was extremely paranoid because he went out with the guys a lot without me, his excuse "you live so far away we can't do this stuff in the week". Now I look back now and I realised why I was so paranoid, he always spoke about other girls when he had been out, he had friends who clearly had no respect for me or a censor on their mouths about women, they were bad influences always encouraging talking about shit to do with girls etc. I never felt appreciated, in fact this shit got a whole lot worse when I started to lose weight...

I started getting fit and the weight just melted off at the beginning, it was great my boyfriend
supported me we worked out together, running on weekends sit ups together etc. Shit got extreme everyone told me how great I looked, he never once made me feel good about myself he always just told me I had to lose more weight. He looked at lad mags of women told me he wanted me to look like her or that porn star blah blah. Basically it was not good enough, it got extreme he even controlled what I ate, whatever his mum cooked me he would take shit off my plate and load it onto his. He was shallow, manipulative and selfish, in fact this is almost parallel to the 50 shades of grey but this shit happened before it even became a concept for a novel, as you will find out next..

Then onto the bedroom what started out as two innocent people turned into violence and hate sex to nicely put it. I could tell he hated me, the way he treated me in the bedroom was probably the worst part for me, he bought shit loads of s&m stuff, most of it I hated, yet he would always talk me into it in the end, even when I said no. He called me derogatory names, treated
me like I was an actual dog, basically I was there to follow orders and I felt cheap, unloved and most of the time I just zoned it out because frankly I hated every second, he enjoyed making me hurt, nipple clamps, butt plugs, riding crops, i didn't enjoy any of it but again he just talked himself into getting what he wanted. Even if i said no it wouldn't have mattered because he was the dominator and I was the submissive and everything he said had to go.

Maybe I was an idiot to have stayed 6 years with him after describing that shit to you but I guess I was so low and so attached because I was naive to think he actually cared for me, he used to get into fights a lot when a guy would look at me or talk to me. But looking back now I think that was just his instincts protecting what belonged to him, he didn't give a rats ass about me on an emotional level. I knew this because at some point in the relationship I would tell him I loved him and he stopped responding. We actually broke up and got back together every week and he made no secret he stopped loving me, but yet we still kept getting back together.
Now for those who have never been in this position you can not possibly understand what it's like to be conflicted like this, I should have felt hatred towards him but as soon we broke up I felt lost and lonely and vulnerable.

The fights started out as me doing the typical sulky girlfriend and not talking etc. then it turned into actual shouting matches and him throwing glass at the wall next to me, banging on the door, him pulling me out the bed to leave. He never once hit me, I even challenged him to a few times but he never would, but I was trembling like a leaf, as most my life I've not had a man in the house, so a man yelling terrifies me it doesn't matter who that is.

Friends I confided in (I never told anyone about the way he treated me in the bedroom or the violent outbursts he had, this is the first time I am actually talking about it all) told me I should end it permanently but I just couldn't, I'd always run back, never him and he would pretend it's a bad idea but I know he did it really because he liked to see me upset and beg for us to get back together, so he would always eventually agree to it. I realise now why, I had conflicts at home, I constantly relied on him as an escape from my own home, hence why I clung onto him.

Things went from shitty to really shitty it was July 2012, I distinctly remember this because it was my 21st birthday and we had decided to go on our first holiday to Amsterdam to celebrate. He was getting stressed out a week beforehand saying "i don't even wanna go now" having random outbursts, i put it down to his impatience, he got annoyed easily at stupid things. Things were great in Amsterdam, in fact I think it was too perfect, and you know what they say, usually when a guy is more affectionate than usual, its usually suspicious, however this wasn't alarm bells for me, I just put this down to weed and being on holiday.

We come back from Amsterdam a couple days later we are speaking on fb, I don't exactly remember now how it happened it's hazy and I guess my subconscious wants to permanently block this out of my memory, but somehow he told me on fb messenger he had cheated on me.

We all know the first step to acceptance is denial, I didn't believe him, I thought it was just a way to get back at me for being a bad girlfriend, I kept asking questions he told me everything. I found out he did this shit a week before we left for Amsterdam to add insult to injury he did this when he went out with the guys in my part of London in my local bar I had introduced to him. I was so stunned, I felt nothing, I couldn't cry, I couldn't be angry, I literally was numb, I guess that was my coping mechanism. It took a few days but then it got bad I had crying fits, insomnia and I was going insane coming to terms he did what he swore to me he never would do.

I knew then that was it, I ended it we were done. I was so proud of myself, I went to Bristol to spend time with my girl got stoned for a week. But it didn't last long I spoke to a few people and they actually told me you guys should try again and make it work, 5 years is a long time to throw away, people make mistakes, if its one time then it can be forgiven.

I thought about it, at the same time he begged and begged and swore to me he wouldn't do it again. I was still adamant with my decision and I still felt nothing towards him, but I said ok lets try one more time. Shit went amazing for a while, I simmered down on the paranoia, psycho girlfriend thing and I thought thats it, we planned to move out together etc. That very same summer July 2013 he did it again, however I didn't hear about it straight away he left it for months. Instead of being sorry, he blamed me for everything told me he did what he did to even the score with the people I had been with at uni, despite our separation, he called me a slut (Ironic don't ya think?) He also blamed me for not going to his grandmothers funeral, like that had some profound effect on our relationship, despite me being there for him when he was mourning.
You can guess what happened next I left him the week it was our 6 year anniversary. I never looked back, never second guessed my decision, I should have stuck with my guns and left the first time he fucked about.

After broke up, time went by we became civil, hung out a bit. Just before I went to Thailand  in 2014 we had this deep convo, he was depressed, he missed me, he was jealous I was going to Thailand and he still loved me. (Beauty of manipulation tell the girl what you think she wants to hear). But you see that ship has long sailed, I have no feelings. But every so often he disappears then comes back in contact and frankly I have got to the point now in life where I have clarity and realised, what happened to me wasn't out of love, it was just a massive ball of fucked up.

At the end of the day he didn't try hard enough, he never heard my cries when I needed someone when I had tough shit going on, he told me I was exaggerating life couldn't of been that bad at home. he blamed me for everything.

Now this same guy, 3 years later, waltz' back in again, trying to meet up when I was in England, I blocked him, he starts snap chatting me, I ignored, I post snaps he watches them all *blocks* stalks me on instagram *blocks*. Now I don't know about you but if you think somehow he still loves me, then it must be some weird, twisted, fucked up kind of love. How I see it I was merely arm candy and something to fuck his frustrations out on, I had no worth or value except to be used for his pleasure. So no he wasn't my first love and in hindsight I wish my naivety didn't cloud my judgment. It taught me many valuable lessons about life but I regret wasting a whole 6 years finding them out.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Weight loss update!

So if you follow me on social media and my other blog you will be aware that I have been on a weight loss journey since I returned home to London, well I have now left London and have been happily living in Korea for just over 3 weeks (already?!) time is flying!!! (more on my exploits in Korea here.) I can safely say this place is bloody amazing!!! I put weight back on because for 3 weeks I haven't worked out (1 week before leaving for Korea and the first two weeks in Korea). I have so far done 5 days of workouts, a day out cycling for a couple of hours and eating a Korean diet & clean eating (pretty much the same thing). I did have a binge of bad foods in the first week here, jam on toast for breakfast, chocolate at one point as there was a huge halloween pack of mini american chocolates that got devoured everyday, plus I did go out had a few beers, ate quite a hefty amount of unclean food in one sitting. But after that its been good, I'm usually eating fish and/or eggs mainly and sometimes chicken, with lots of vegetables and not even a full portion of brown rice and some wholemeal bread for breakfast. I have had my cheat days too but I don't count those as they are well needed! I've had no need to use butter or oil (not even coconut oil!) but I have yet to find coconut oil anywhere, but never fear I'm still getting my healthy fats through fish and seaweed and plain yogurt!

Moving onto the reason I'm writing this post, I have lost 3kg since my medical check which was just over a week ago which is absolute madness! I'm doing nothing crazy just eating right and exercising. I sadly don't have a pair of calipers with me and the ones I did own weren't the best, so I'm waiting to get paid so I can order a good set to keep track of my body fat. But I've been measuring and its been good results!!! I can also see in photos I don't look as chubby as I did in Thailand which is a good sign for such little time, better results than the 3 months I spent working out and TRYING to eat clean in London (carbs are my enemy). Without further ado, here's my results!

Thigh-  61cm (lost 3cm) (total lost: 3+ 3.5= 6.5cm) 
Neck- 36cm (lost 1cm) (total: 1+1= 2cm)
Forearm- 25.5cm (lost 0cm) (total: 0 + 1.5cm)
Waist- 91cm (lost 4.5cm) (total: 4.5+ 7.5= 12cm)
Chest- 109 cm (lost 1.5cm) (total:1.5+ 3.5= 5cm)
Hips- 104cm (lost 6cm) (total: 6+9= 15cm )
Arm- 38cm (+2cm) (total lost: -2cm)
Calf- 36cm (1cm) (total: 1+ 3= 4cm)

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Happy Hump Day week 10

So today, I weighed myself after plucking up the well needed courage and i've lost 0.4kg since 18 days ago, now that was a little disheartening but because I did measure my body and saw real progress thats the only thing that hasn't made my motivation drop to rock bottom.  I cant say I'm not a little disappointed about it I had lost a whole stone in 1 month, this time 3 years ago, but then I also didn't have an arse this firm or thighs and arms this strong before (or started at a considerably larger fat percentage before). So I did a bit of research and put it down to muscle gain balancing out the fat loss. I haven't beaten myself up about it too much, because at the end of the day, I'm seeing progress in my measurements, alarm bells should be ringing if in 10 weeks I haven't seen progress whatsoever. Weight is just a number it doesn't reflect your fitness level whatsoever.

My motivation hasn't dropped whatsoever which I am surprised about, I guess its because I adore hooping and the only way I can do hooping is at the park a 10 minute bike ride away or a 30 minute walk. HIIT is a mere 12 minutes long, 5 days a week so really there is no excuse not to do it.

If there is one positive thing I can take from today is the fact I have noticed I am so much stronger than I was this time 3 years when I had dropped down to a UK12. I can do pushups on my knees with ease, normal pushups (just about), and planks which was my biggest problem!! Also, I can squat and lunge very low now (need to up the weight now) and noticed I'm more flexible and I have not experienced any muscle cramps since Thailand. Woo!!!

Slow and steady always wins the race, just have to keep my goal in mind!

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Week 9 Progress!!!!!

So I've measured myself 18 days ago, I don't know why I did not measure myself 9 weeks ago (I do really, I had let myself go quite a bit, I could't face to see how much fat I had gained)

I wasn't going to measure my weight and fat percentage for another month, but seeing the progress I've had after 18 days I'm going to brave it tomorrow!

Thigh- 64cm (lost 3.5cm)
Neck- 37cm (lost 1cm)
Forearm- 25.5cm (lost 1.5cm)
Waist- 95.5cm (lost 7.5cm)
Chest- 110.5cm (lost 3.5cm)
Hips- 110cm (lost 9cm)
Arm- 36cm (2cm)
Calf- 37cm (3cm)

I say that calls for a celebration!!! That's motherf****ing progress and there was me getting down about how slow my progress is coming along but after 18 days theres that much noticeable difference, give it 3 months i'm gonna look fabulous!

Super happy as always! :)

Friday, 20 March 2015

Stronger than yesterday

Well hello my lovelies!!

Today has been fab f***ing-tastic. Had another hard core day hooping, cycling and of course Interval training. It's been intense and tonight, oh boy am I going to sleep like a baby!! The amount of calories I've burnt today is hard to get my head round, I've done over 2 hours of hooping alone, 20 minutes of cycling (10 mins to the park, 10 mins back) and my usual 12 minutes of training. It's insane I can spend that much time hoop dancing, it's not without it's drawbacks though, my hands are bruised and swollen again as well as my arms aching and bruised from doing arm to elbow spins. It's all worth the pain though, because today I've cracked a move I've wanted to do since I started taking an interest in hooping and that's waist to lasso, I'm so chuffed there's no words to explain my happiness, but I need to work on it because it's still hit and miss, but with practice it will just come. Super chuffed is an understatement I tell you!!!

I genuinely am so happy with how things are going :) positivity all the way!! Today was the last day of week 9. I found out there's only 2 weeks left of HIIT Max :( but not to worry always have stuff to follow which is why I love working out to them.

Oh yeah the total solar eclipse was beautiful but only because I managed to watch a live stream online, otherwise I would have been extremely disappointed looking at the skies of London. Yay for the Internet!

Lots of love. Peace x

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Korean Interview/ Fitness Progress

So guys, I just had my first South Korean school skype interview for the city Gwangju, I found out the school is private :P I'll be teaching Kindergarten + Elementary! I am praying with all my might that I got this job, Gwangju is a city I really would love to live in and the school sounds amazing!!! All I can do is wait for a response now.

I also woke up this morning that pooch has shrunk!!! After one day of extreme exercise (I went all out 3 hours of hooping, 20 minutes of cycling with a load of slopes and my 12 minute HIIT Session) its shrunk!!!!!!! It's not disappeared but by god it has gone down!!!! This is what keeps me motivated every day!

Today has started so brilliantly, now its time for my religious routine of caffeine and some breakfast, I'm thinking clean pancakes to celebrate such a positive start to the day. Let's hope it continues!

See you on the flipside, sending positive vibes from London! Peace out x

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Just go with the flow

Well Hellooooooo!!!!!

If you haven't guessed by the flow reference this is going to be a post solely on hooping and how my first day went!! You can probably gather I am in a particularly vivacious mood today!!! That my friend is because, I got my hula hoop in the post, in all its gorgeous blue and silver glory. (See pics below) I got a bit Kodak happy ;).

You wonder why I am pleased you ask?? Because this awesome weighted fitness/beginner hoop cost me a mere £20 on the ol' Amazon with FREE P&P!!!! Hoops at 42" and the fact you can dismantle it into 6 and downsize it to a 38" (that's 2 hoops in one!) should cost me a good £60 maybe? I've seen other hoops like this but they are only made in the US, not in anything bigger than a 38" (what can I say I'm tall, tall beginners need large hula hoops too!!) so these are very hard to come by and expensive to ship and make (damn my tall genes!). 

So that's why it's amazing! Plus it's beautiful I can't really ask better than that, this thing doesn't weigh much to travel with and is easy to transport which is why its so fabulous!!

Of course I've been itching to get that hoop spinning, so naturally as soon as it got here I jumped on my bike and cycled 10 mins away to the park! 

I got into the center of the field stuck my headphones in and I was gone, I left the world behind as soon as that hoop was around my hips and that music started playing in my ears. I must say its therapeutic, I was fluffing about trying out Isolations, stuff I've done before and stuff I've never done before and just going with the flow (as the title suggests). I was gone for a good 3 hours just moving to the music (apparently 30 minutes a day should suffice) and in that time I re-awoke certain muscle memories, as soon as Sia- Chandelier, that was it, it came so naturally again.

I also managed to teach myself Lassos and elbow spins, I kept trying to learn getting the hoop off my hips into lasso's and getting it from Lasso's back to my hips but right now I'm not there yet, I really wanna be able to vortex :P (sorry if these terms don't make sense just give them a google). 

Anywho, the aftermath at the moment is not so great my right hand has swollen because of bruising due to the hoop (this is normal) and my core feels worked, which is just fucking amazing!! I don't know if I will be so optimistic tomorrow, but no amount of bruising is gonna stop day 2 tomorrow!!! Today is not even over yet I still have to do today's HIIT session. Cycling, hooping and HIIT, this fat is just gonna melt off!!! 

One love, MWAH! x